The Koan of Relationship

I have just returned from a long visit with my family and some of the friends of my youth. It was a fascinating and conscious journey into the mystery of love and relationships. What became abundantly clear to me was that each relationship is like a puzzle which comes without instructions or clues in how to “solve” it. No matter how hard you try, it cannot be managed. No one has ever been able to manage a relationship. It is made in a way that it remains puzzling and defies solution. The more you try to understand it, the more elusive it becomes – the more mysterious it grows.

Relationship is a greater koan that any a Zen master can give to their disciples or students. Why? Because their koans are meditative – one is alone. When you are given the koan of relationship it is far more complicated because there are two of you. You are made differently, conditioned differently, experience life differently. You are polar opposites pulling in different directions, manipulating each other, trying to possess, seduce, dominate…and like Scheherazade, you have a thousand and one tales to tell of the dramas, the heartbreak, the misunderstandings, along with the adventure, joy, and  possibility of each encounter.

When you are alone and meditating, the only problem is how to be silent, how not to get caught up in the thoughts. In relationship there are a thousand and one problems. If you’re quiet, it’s a problem. Sit quietly for a while beside your spouse, partner or friend and you will see – he or she will immediately turn on you: “What’s wrong?” “Is something bothering you?” “Are you angry with me?” or “What did I do?” If you speak, there will also be the problem of being misunderstood because of the filters the other person listens through.

No relationship ever comes to the point where all the issues are resolved. If a relationship has come to resolution, it has come to an end. Remember a relationship is a koan. It is your opportunity to solve your fundamental issues. The problem of love can only be solved when the problem of meditation has been solved. By that I mean when you are truly able to look at yourself and your patterns through clear and neutral eyes. Through meditation you realize that you are a riddle, a mystery to yourself. The other person is simply a mirror. We are all challenged to see ourselves clearly but we can see ourselves in a mirror and the other can see themselves in one as well.

When we “fall in love” the other is a mirror where we see all the things we love about ourselves. We project this onto the other person and see our own beauty. When the issues begin to arise in a relationship, all we can see is the ugliness. And so we say, “You’re the one making me look bad. You are distorting the mirror. I am a beautiful person but you’re making me look hideous.”

In these moments, don’t be angry. Go deeper into yourself through meditation. Be thankful to the other. Be grateful when someone reflects back to you those places within yourself you are unable to love. Go deeper into your self and into meditation. Remember that relationships are our Temples of Initiation. Every relationship is an opportunity to heal our hearts so we can love ourselves. We learn what love truly is. We stop substituting romantic love for  love. We come to realize that love is not an emotion but a state of being.

Being in the Present Moment

Inspiration…What do you think of when you hear this word? The essence of the word is To Inspire – to breathe life in a body, an idea, a cause, a project – absolutely anything that is created in our life and world. Then there’s expiration – the exhale or out breath of life – heralding completion, the end of a cycle, death. When a child is born he breathes for the first time. That is the beginning of life. One day when he becomes old and dies, he exhales.

You are constantly inhaling and exhaling. It is happening continually whether you are aware of it or not, asleep or awake. With each inhale you are born into the moment, with each exhale you die with the moment. When you can embrace this dance of life and death, you can begin to live in the now moment. You understand that life and death are two aspects of existence, happening at the same time. Buddha taught 3 Universal laws, the first being the Law of Impermanence. The Law of Impermanence states that all phenomena is subject to constant change, to rise and fall,and no permanent states, either physical or animate, exists. The dynamic nature of phenomena is today a commonplace of science.

Because our ego/mind fears death, we project it into the future somewhere. We cling to moments of joy and happiness and refuse to embrace the moments we find challenging. When we become selective in what we choose to experience in life, we take ourselves out of the present moment. We become so busy trying to control our experiences. What would happen if you only allowed yourself to inhale without a letting go – an exhale? You could only do it so long and at great discomfort and then you start holding your breath until you have to let it go in a great swoosh of air. And then you might begin gasping for breath. Of course, your body will not allow you to do that for long.

That’s what it’s like when we hang on to experiences we enjoy. We refuse to allow the natural cycle to be completed – like a wave it  forms, crests, then dissolves. And because we hold on we can never fully experience the joy in the moment. The mind is always analyzing and judging to see if the experience we are meant to be living needs to be held onto or avoided. We begin to create more and more buffers and start to live in instant replay rather than live action.

There are an infinite number of beginnings and endings in every life. Each has its own timing, its own rhythm. When we embrace the Law of Impermanence we can begin to be fully present in each moment. We can begin to live life fully only when we accept that there will be an ending. And so we begin to live fully in this moment, and this moment, and this moment…

Let go of the past. Stop living in instant replay. Once you do, you will automatically stop projecting into the future. Our real work is to let go of our psychological attachment to the past and to stop projecting into the future. Be willing to live fully in each moment regardless of what is being presented to you. Become mindful of when you are operating on automatic pilot – old programing – or when you are fully present – open to allowing life to fill you with surprise and happiness.

When my mind takes me out of the present moment, the quickest way I have found to return is to focus on my breath. To focus on my inhalation and my exhalation. This always quiets my mind, the worry disappears, and I come home to myself in this moment.

Navigating the shifting sands of these “Interesting Times”

“May You Live in Interesting Times”

The saying was used by Robert F. Kennedy in his Day of Affirmation Address in Cape Town, South Africa, in 1966. It has been quoted in the TV series The Sopranos, Magnum, P.I., Star Trek: Voyager, was part of a speech delivered by the character Bob Garvin (Donald Sutherland) near the end of the 1994 film Disclosure, and also appears in Dean Koontz’s 1996 novel Tick Tock. The saying is referenced in the title and text of Terry Pratchett‘s 1994 Discworld novel Interesting Times. It’s referred to as a Chinese curse (although this saying  has never been found in the Chinese language). I’d say that we are living in interesting times. For many it’s uncomfortable, unpredictable and scary.

As I look around me -  at the lives of my clients, my own life, and the general state of the world – I realize that the issues most of us are dealing with are rooted in our  fear of uncertainty. For many of us the reference points we have established can no longer guide us on a path to security, stability or success.  So how do we learn to navigate through the shifting sand of our lives? How do we find the courage to take action in our lives in spite of our fear or inertia?

First we have to be open to change. To let go of the need to control the people and circumstances of our life so we can shore up reference points we have used in the past in order to feel certain that we can direct the outcome of our lives. It’s time to gather our courage and set sail on uncharted waters in the Sea of Uncertainty. Once you’re willing to make changes your journey can begin.

It can begin by examining what’s not working in your life. We all have areas of our life that are  not functioning the way we would like them  to. These challenging areas are simply opportunities to change, to grow, to become the best possible version of ourselves. Be willing to be honest with yourself, to take an honest inventory without shame or guilt or anger. Take the time to write these things down. There’s something very powerful about writing these things down. It’s the first step to solving or healing these areas in your life.  Once you’ve taken stock begin to connect with the  essence of what you what to have in this area of your life. Create a vision for your life or areas of your life. Then take it one day at a time.

In the morning as you start your day ask yourself:

“What one action can I take today that will effect the greatest change or take me closer to living my vision?”

“Am I saying ‘YES’ to my life by letting go of the obligations and saying ‘NO’ to the distractions that cross my path?”

And at the end of your day review it by asking yourself:

“Did I face my challenges and find opportunity in them?”

“What did I accomplish?”

“Did I keep my commitments to myself and others today?”

This practice will assist you if making the necessary changes in your life gracefully. It will help you stay present and in the moment. For it is only in the present moment that you can make a difference in your life and take action in the world.